Why Charlie Brooker Won't Love You Back

I am aware that many ladies, not least Future Wife, have developed something of a crush on journalist and broadcaster Charlie Brooker.

For those unaware, Brooker is a Guardian columnist who is responsible for many excellent things including Nathan Barley, Dead Set, TV Go Home, Screenwipe and the award winning Newswipe. [I was going to insert links but I'll assume you can use Google if you made it here] These are all things I enjoy, which is why this next bit might concern other fans of Mr Brooker:

In an attempt to curb the festering fantasies of otherwise lovely ladies I will attempt to argue why Charlie Brooker cannot love you back.


1. He hates people.

'Misanthrope' often appears in the same sentence as Charlie Brooker; a bit of googling revealed such gems as "the misanthrope's misanthrope Charlie Brooker" and "celebrity misanthrope Charlie Brooker". You're a person. He hates you. and if you've ever quoted Nathan Barley in public, even ironically, he probably wants you dead. In fact if you've ever breathed oxygen he wants you dead. And if you hated Nathan Barley he hates you for that too. And your mum.

2. He hates everything on TV.

Except 'The Wire' obviously. He's not going to sit through 'America's Next Top Model' or 'Four Weddings' without interrupting to point out why it's shit, writing an article about how much he hates it or actually throwing his own shit at the TV. And don't even think about putting 'Friends' on.

3. He spends a lot of time doing fuck all but watch TV and play computer games.

The lucky bastard. It's also his job. That means he'll be hogging the TV and computer pretty much 24/7. You'll see him, but only slumped over a controller or remote, going slowly mad as he simultaneously watches Sky News and shoots zombies. Presumably not real zombies.

4. He's in a long term relationship.

With his right hand, if Screen/Newswipe are anything to go by.

5. He's a cynicism-powered robot sent from the future.

Yes. Yes he is. As such he cannot love, so your love will be wasted on him.

6. You can't change him.

See above. Robot. From the future. Also if he's running on Windows (which would explain his disdain for non-Microsoft systems - not compatible!) he could crash at any moment.


P.S. In the unlikely event that you see this, no offence Mr Brooker!